Feb 15, 2011

Dumb criminal moves

The latest roundup of criminally inane outlaws will leave you shaking your head and breathing a deep sigh
Take a look at these unusual suspects you’ll find everything from alleged rock robbers to ashes addicts to misdialing miscreants.

Dressed to transgress
This Indiana man opted to protect his identity when he allegedly attacked his former roommate with a sword. See his version of a mask. What’s the best way to break into a museum devoted to nature? Why, blending in like this guy, of course. Take a look. An Ohio man employed an un-P.C. trick when he set about robbing four banks and a drugstore. Here’s his disguise of choice. Mr. Whipple would no doubt disapprove of this convenience store crook’s ruse.
No respect for the dead
There are grave robbers, and then there are those who can’t wait that long and hit up the funeral instead. These three Florida burglars found powder and started snorting. Unfortunately, it wasn’t drugs that they’d found. Technically, this Mississippi man wasn’t stealing anything at all.
Public enemies’ No. 1
All those brains and this is the best revenge plot a California math professor could come up with? At some point, this Pennsylvania woman’s date went terribly awry. Here are her Facebook reflections on the matter. If this true crime story were turned into a movie, it could be called The Great California Cup Caper.
Driving While Idiotic
To fully appreciate the irony of Matthew Nieveen’s DUI arrest, you have to see how he was dressed at the time. This Florida dad took the phrase “don’t drive drunk” to ridiculous extremes. Here’s the excuse he gave for passing the keys. Reportedly, he was feeling woozy, too. Here’s another dad who’s not clear on what the legal driving age is. From the looks of his mug shot, his priorities were crystal clear.
A hitch in the giddy-up
Florida deputies had no problem tracking down this slow-moving perp. A New York teen on the lam gave a new meaning to the term "horsepower.” These two thieves got their just desserts after picking a highly conspicuous getaway vehicle. This thief tried to get away on foot but was foiled by an ironic obstacle. This Florida man stole more than just meat from the local Winn-Dixie, letting nothing (and no one) stand in his way. This was his battle cry.
Honesty is the best policy
She’s not a doctor, but she plays one at bars. Check out her assumed name. If you’re going to try to hoodwink a bank with a fake check, you may as well go big. Perhaps this would-be bank robber should’ve employed a little less honesty.
Critter-related crimes
Resuscitating road kill is a sure sign that you’ve had one too many. For animal lovers like this woman, a stuffed animal just won’t cut it. Mexican police didn’t cotton to this traveler’s monkeyshines. Move over, cupcakes; a Japanese duo may be on to the latest snack craze.
Communications breakdown
If you’re going to solicit drugs via text, at least be sure you have the right number. True criminal masterminds know to keep their friends close; guess that leaves this guy out. We’ve heard of calling ahead with a reservation, but this Canadian crime is ridiculous. Meanwhile, in Connecticut, more would-be thieves dialed in their deviance. When Facebook asked, “What’s on your mind?” this guy’s answer was crime.
Finger-lickin’ felonies
Here’s a pizza parlor heist that’s straight out of the funny pages. This elderly Idaho woman should’ve held the mayo. Maybe this Florida corrections officer thought it was lettuce. Some cravings are just too strong to control.
Crooks who don’t have a clue
If Florida cops weren’t sure they had the right perp, his telltale tattoo reassured them. And here’s another man who should’ve considered less conspicuous ink when he took up a life of crime. (There’s no mistaking this mug.)So trite, yet so true this Memphis bandit left a red-hot trail. He would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for those kids and their pesky digital camera. Excuse me, sir. You dropped something.
Looney lethal weapons
It’s going to take a lot more than a few Hail Marys to save this robber's soul. When these two went for a beer run, they made their loot do double duty. There’s no way this Connecticut woman got anything but coal last Christmas. While most folks would use a bank card to retrieve cash from an ATM, one Florida man had an idea that would make more of an impact.